Dale Nixon Is Asexual

I’ve been on the Internet on a day to day basis since late 1994.  In that time, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in dealing with Online communities.  Until about five years ago, I really pounded my fist for alternative culture forums/listservs/weblogs/ to be a place for people to connect with others like them, whether it is animal rights, sexuality, straight edge, politics, whatever.  But then I finally concluded that these Web Sites are just filled with the same petty high school bullshit we all thought we defied when we embraced ____.  No thanks.

In these ups and downs, there are two significant situations where I felt betrayed by others who I had opened up to or divulged privileged information about myself.  The first came in 2002 when I began my first, what we call today, weblog.  I wrote pseudonymously, but it wasn’t too hard to figure out who was writing each post if you knew me well.  This was a period in my life where I was dealing with crippling depression, body issues, self mutilation, and the disgusting racist, sexist, and homophobic “post 9-11″ world.  I was also mourning my best friend, who committed suicide a week before 9-11 and helping another friend, who attempted suicide a day later, deal with his mental and substance problems.

I began writing about what was going on in my mind, where I hid myself amongst a number of voices, real and imaginary, body issues, my devolving mental state, and frankly discussed what I thought should happen to the patriots on my campus.  About four months into this venture, I woke up one afternoon (did I mention at this point I was barely sleeping?  I would go days without sleep.  In the spring of 2003 this got really bad) to a number of emails from friends warning that my weblog (didn’t we still call them “journals” at this point?) had been posted, with my name attached, on a number of forums I read or posted on.  I was openly mocked, ranked on, and generally ridiculed.  From people who claim to be “punk” or “different” or defying society somehow.  Cowardly, I closed the Web Site down and pretty much distanced myself from that community for a few years.

In 2005 this happened again, but with an Online acquaintance.  This was a person who was a friend of a friend that I had gotten to know over the years.  Sometime during that time period we had a number of conversations Online about sexuality that I assumed were confidential.  Of course, this line of discussion ended up, again, pasted into the public discourse.  This time, I didn’t even bother to reply.  I was so busy with school and actually dealing with these issues that I gave up giving a shit.  Since then, I place no confidence in alternative communities doing anything but giving assholes another place to feel awesome about themselves.

So that is why I borrowed the Dale Nixon pseudonym to create this weblog.  From a childhood of fights, ridicule, and trust violations I already had serious trust problems.  My last girlfriend was the first person I think I ever let into my life without assuming they’d eventually steal from me or fuck me over.  It’s fucking pathetic that this is how things have to be, but it is how it is and let’s move on.

Penetrative sex is really boring.

Honestly, I’ve felt this way since before I lost my virginity at seventeen. There is nothing appealing about the act at all. Sure, it could be nice, in theory, but everything that goes along with it is beyond repulsive.

The big chase to woo the woman, the right things to say, the right things to wear, all this trivial, material, bullshit just for a few seconds or minutes of pleasure. No thanks. I’d rather talk about books over a cup of coffee or spend an evening with a wonderful lady and a pile of records or a movie.

I know I can get off, but I have a really hard time doing so unless the circumstances are just right. I have to respect the woman, I have to care about her mind and her body. I have to feel like, at least in some other parallel dimension where women aren’t treated like objects from the moment the doctor says “it’s a girl!,” I have not manipulated or used my privilege as a male to take over or control them. Unless they like that.

I can love a woman, I can be psychically attracted to them, but I can’t make love to them in a hetronormative manner. Apparently, according to a former girlfriend and others, this makes me asexual. If that is a label that works for people, fine.

On this blog I will discuss my thoughts and feelings about my own sexuality, gender issues, and my thoughts on being a survivor of sexual assault and how that has made me the person I am today.

My name, duh, isn’t Dale Nixon. I borrowed it from Black Flag.